Why do women always claim they’re in love when they’re sad over a break-up?
Dear Love Experts,
Maybe I missed the memo when I first started dating during my teenage years that I was supposed to say I was in love with former boyfriends because we broke up. It seems as though 99.9% of women have developed and annoyingly perfected this trait. Leaving me wondering if I’m missing out on the ability to fall head over heels with every guy I go out with or if these women are living in some sort of fantasy world. I’m not saying I’ve never been sad over a break-up, that’s completely natural. But it doesn’t mean I was “in love” with any of them.
These days it seems as though people just throw around the L word to throw it around—stripping it of it’s meaning. There is a difference between lust, loving someone and being in love with someone. As Sanaa Lathan said in Brown Sugar, it’s like the difference between rap and hip-hop—rap is just a word. Being in love is a state. And you do not enter the state because you caught Derek cheating on you. You’re just upset over the break-up and that Derek wasn’t all you thought he would be. You may be heartbroken, but trying to rationalize your sporadic emotions by claiming you were in love with him makes you sound like a fool.
Especially because when you meet someone new you’re going to talk about how you thought you were in love with Derek but John is all you’ve ever really wanted in a man. It’s 2012, and if you’re over the age of 22 (I’ll give you time for ridiculousness in college), there’s no reason you should be running around claiming to be in love with Tom, Dick, and Harry—especially after they dump you. At least try to make yourself and your ability to fall in love seem somewhat special. Otherwise, you’re just making “in love” another word (technically phrase, but you get my drift). Thoughts?
xoxo
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Your relationship is over, now what? (5 Tips to Move On)
Dear Newly Single,
So it happened. The one that you were so sure you’d spend the rest of your life with suddenly isn’t in your life anymore. Whether the break-up was mutual, he/she decided to end things or you did, moving on is often the hardest part of breaking up. A lot of times people stay in bad relationships out of fear for the “relationship afterlife.” They think… “will I meet someone better?,” “I don’t want to be single for _________(insert holiday, birthday, or life event),” or “this is just a rough patch, it’ll get better.” All the while knowing that they’ve reached a dealbreaker in their relationship and something has got to give—sadly in some cases it’s their long-term happiness. So how can you ease this process (without gaining 15lbs and/or a drinking problem)?
- You have to decide how you’ll frame the finished relationship for your future—hopefully you’ll do so in a positive light. Will that person be “that *sshole that cheated on me” or “the one who taught me to acknowledge and value my self-worth.” Both of those people could have cheated on you, but how you frame it affects how you’ll move on and view your future relationships. Being scorned in a relationship is awful, but it’s even worse to make the next person you date feel the wrath of your anger from “that *sshole that cheated on me.” It’ll be really hard not to call him “that *sshole,” but when a relationship dies, look for the silver lining. It may be hard to see, but it’s there.
- Realize it’s okay to grieve. We all do this in our own way, but the grieving process is necessary to say goodbye. You’re losing someone you (once) care(d) very deeply for so it’s completely normal to feel pain. So if you need to pull out the Ben & Jerry’s, run 5 miles, have a bad romantic comedy marathon with a bottle (or two) of Pinot, over-indulge in that 2 for 1 happy hour drink special, make a playlist of “I hate you” songs, or however you decide to grieve, DO IT!
- Realize you are the only pursuer of your own happiness. People come and go in our lives. Some stay longer than others, but the only person who will be there with you for the course of your life is the person who stares back at you when you look in the mirror. You have control over how you let the actions of others affect you. Remember that saying: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? It’s true. Don’t give someone else the power over your happiness. It’s yours, own it!
- Pick a date to “officially” move on. The grieving period is perfectly normal, but having an extended one is not. There is that old adage saying it takes half as long as the length of the relationship to get over the person, well life’s too short to spend that much time mourning a prior relationship. If you dated someone for 5 years, I don’t think you need to spend 2.5 yrs getting over them, but to each his own. Personally, I give a day for each month I spent with the person. At the end of the day you know yourself better than everyone else in your life who views you through their own lens. It is your life and i
f you feel you have numerous months (and years) to pine over a dead relationship, go right ahead. But if you want to move on with your life, pick a realistic timeframe to grieve, mark it on your calendar and commit to “officially” moving on when that day comes. - Celebrate the day you “officially” move on. I’m not saying you have to plan a divorce party or anything like that. As a matter of fact, your friends and family don’t even have to know that it’s your special “officially moving on” day. All that matters is that you know. So when that day you marked on your calendar comes, treat yourself to that new outfit, dinner at that restaurant you always wanted to try, iPod, or whatever you’ve been thinking about buying. If you want to go out to the club or brunch do it. Whatever you decide to do, do it with the mindset of a free man/woman not carrying around the baggage of prior relationships gone sour.
Do you have your own post-breakup ritual? What helps you move on?
xoxo
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What can you speak into existence?
Dear Believers,
Once upon a time I was a skeptic. Okay maybe not that long ago, less than a year ago actually. Then a friend mentioned “speaking things into existence.” Now I wasn’t sure if it was the latest slang/mantra/spirituality/religious sensation so I was a skeptic. Then I found myself having a “woe is me” drama queen moment and decided to speak something into existence. And it worked!
Now I do it all the time. Before you start thinking “duh, confidence breeds success,” speaking things into existence is not confidence. I have confidence. In fact, I was consciously trying to become less confident because I was borderline arrogant (to some people). Getting back to speaking things into existence. I’m resisting the urge to list the things I’ve spoken into existence because I don’t like to brag. I will say that I spoke 2012 into being a fabulous year and it’s already off to a fabulous start.
Okay, okay, I’ll spill. Besides, it’d be pointless for you to read my blog if I never shared tidbits of my life with you. The thing I spoke into existence that I never thought would happen in my lifetime is…I’ll be living in CUBA for part of the summer! 
Now I’m not going to lie and say I’ve wanted to go to Cuba my whole life. The fact of the matter is Americans are banned from spending money there thanks to the whole trade embargo. I’m not going to get into politics, but in the back of my mind I always thought it’d be nice if one day I were able to go. So when I found out my school offered a program in Havana, I applied, spoke it into existence and was accepted. 
Just so you know, I’m resisting the urge to use exclamation marks and write interchangeably in Spanish, but in my mind I’m speaking a beautiful intermingling of English and Spanish commonly referred to as Spanglish. I was wondering how long the excitement was possible to sustain, and well it’s been a month since I was selected and I’m still excited. I am a bit nervous though. After all, I won’t be able to use my cellphone and internet access is hard to come by in Cuba so I’ll be pretty much cut off from the outside world for my time there. Then again a lack of connection to the outside world will allow me to become fully immersed in Cuban culture so I’m still glad I spoke it into existence 
.
xoxo
This work by bellereveur.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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Do we have to protect the male ego?
Dear Ladies,
I find the male ego quite fascinating. Men are taught to be “strong” as a child. Yes taught. I’m not sold on the idea that men are inherently strong. After all, the Disney fairytales all tell us men are heroes and have to save women from dragons and wake them up from sleeping spells (Sidenote: I’ll leave the whole damsel in distress ideology for another day.). Now I won’t get into gender stereotypes, but I will get into how women are supposed to feed into the male ego.
When a guy asks a woman out, it’s like we aren’t allowed to just say “no.” Women have to say “I’m seeing someone,” “I’m not looking to date right now,” or in cases where men are really persistent, “I like women.” Don’t forget we’re supposed to preface all of these statements with “I’m sorry, but….” Heaven forbid we don’t say, “I’m sorry” first. Why do we have to say we’re sorry when we aren’t interested in someone? Is it because we don’t want to come off rude or is it because we have to protect the male ego from rejection?
When you turn down a man with a huge ego, he’ll immediately try to downplay the situation by claiming his asking you out was a misunderstanding (i.e., “I was just joking”, “I just want to be your friend,” or even “You’re not that cute anyway”). And women are supposed to play along and give an obligatory laugh so the situation stays amicable. We can’t let the man know that his pick-up line was corny, he’s poorly dressed, has halitosis, and/or just not someone we find attractive. It’s like we can’t let the man know that it’s him we’re not attracted to.
Well, I decided that I really don’t care about the male ego anymore. In fact, I decided I’m no longer giving excuses as to why I do not want to start dating someone I’m not interested in. From here on out, I’m just saying “no.”
xoxo
This work by bellereveur.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
